Love Change

Now evening, the breezes waft in, carrying the smells of a quiet evening, freshly mown grass, and the trees' silent but energetic, joining approval.  Cows bellow in the cool.  These beauties came to me today for the first time, when I shut off the mower for a moment.  They trundled up, Bossy first, then a couple of yearling bulls, and three fresh little clean little shiny little adorable calves.  In my conversation with them all--their brown eyes were so attentive--we talked over the tastiness of the long grasses I doled out to each......Bossy wanted it all so I had to spread it around some.  I finish mowing my hard-won lawn........it's all up to me now. 

Love that.  I can stop anytime and dance till I'm breathless.  Music feeds me, especially when combined with movement.  Sometimes I cry, it's all deeply, powerfully beautiful.  Who needs food when there is music and dance??

A little wine, resting in the air of the setting sun.  A friend to joke and share the deeper stuff with.......Bless you, World.  Bless us all, every one.  The peace in my heart exceeds anything I have ever felt. 

Animal Assists

The other day I decided to do a led-meditation, which when it works is really a deep hypnosis, regarding power animals.  Generally speaking, I don't get much from this sort of meditation, so I was pretty surprised at the results this time.

In the meditation, I found myself wanting to stay in the meadow, under the warm sun as described by the leader...but it wasn't to be.  Suddenly I was sitting next to a small river, on a grassy bank in the mottled sun and shade.  Much to my honest surprise, out of the water slipped a little river otter!  He came up to me, sniffed my face, and I could feel his whiskers and sniffling breath as he did so.  Good Lord!   This was so real!  Before he slithered back into the river, he gave me a river stone, as a symbolic gift.  When I held this to my heart, I felt an instantaneous sense of belonging to the Whole Flow, and a grounding based in Love.  Later the next day, I found out from a friend that an otter will often keep a stone under his arm while swimming around, and using it as a tool to crack open the shells of whatever he finds for food.    I think this tool will be very handy, if I keep my eyes open for the things that feed me...

Then yesterday I decided to ask a friend if she wanted to do the meditation and see what cropped up.  When it was over, I was again surprised by the result.  I was inclined to sit under a large tree in the deep forest....and a wolf walked up to me, sat down, then stood again, looking right at me.  When I asked my question, which had to do with a new fork in my earth-world path, the wolf acted like he wanted me to follow him, so follow I did.  He took me to his den, where there were several squirming wolf-pups, and his mate, lying there panting.  The message here was clear: One of my choices was to take on the responsibility of settling down and taking on new responsibility.  I felt myself cringe inside....but Wolf wasn't done.  He trotted on, and I followed him to the high edge of a canyon ridge-top, and we gazed down into a very deep canyon that was brimming with mystery, mists floating among the many possibilities that a large canyon can contain--all the color, wildness, life itself--free--and promising the experiences of a lifetime.  Freedom to explore new lands, new arenas in my life!

We returned to the tall tree in the deep forest.  Wolf also had a gift: a small green sprig of Pine tree, fresh and fragrant.  When I held it to my heart to feel the message, I got a strong sensation: NEW LIFE!!   

Then Wolf took off, glancing back at me repeatedly, teasing, wanting to play.......

message for Marge

Marge, I can't get in to your blog, for ages now, I am blocked, but know this is not personal, and I DO follow it, but this doesn't seem to be the link I need to get in  Can this change?  My email is szorrolt@hotmail.com .  Write when you can.
Sarah

It's Out There, Coming In

Now I'm looking.  Love is out there, and I am going to imagine it into my life.  Thought creates matter, not the other way around. 

I'm feeling what it would be like to be in the company of a man who enjoys being with me, often.  Someone who likes to talk, and listen, hear.  Someone who gives an opinion on things, whether or not it's what I want to hear.  ESPECIALLY if it's not what I want to hear.  This is how I try new ideas on, and grow.  This man will love hiking, driving, camping, seeing the country......and of course, kayaking.  Travel outside the country would be good, but this is expensive, and my love does not need to have alot of money.

He does need to have a compassionate heart, excellent sense of humor and wit, and a willingness to try on criticism, wherever it comes from.  Also confident, with enough self knowledge to know when it doesn't fit....and when it does. 

My eyes are open, and I am in no big hurry.  I like my independence, and plan to keep it. 

I can sure feel his presence.....

Leaving With Love: Honest to Goodness, In That Order

The separation continues, and we each feel wiser, more able to be real, happier! in the process.

Both of us hope that no one, family nor friends, looks for trouble, invents blame, feels bitterness, where we find none. 

Perhaps some days I appear too enthusiastic.....I am trying to show my strong feeling that this is for the best in the long run--believe me, I have had my share of tears, but do not choose to make them my focus.  Don is saddened to admit it hasn't worked for us (as am I, believe it) but we both, both agree we are so much happier now that the decision has been made. 

Just love, NO BAGGAGE. 

We had such a hugely great time in New Mexico this past week, christening our new life as dear friends, by exploring Chaco Canyon and the Apache Bosque, the 'forest' wildlife refuge, by the Rio Grande River!-- together... We talked more than we have ever talked, laughed more than we have laughed since we courted......that says a lot right there.  We plan many more such travels.  I have my best friend back.

In my heart, and what I feel from him--we are happier, no troubling guilt or frustrations, and that the love we have always felt will and IS growing stronger. 

Honest to Goodness.  In that order.

In my family, there are other strong examples of happiness after divorce.  My brother is good friends with his ex wife, and his present wife is very good friends with her as well.  There is no threat, each sees the truth, unclouded by false anxiety or insecurity.  Don and I hope and plan for this eventuality.  I would not want to be with anyone who felt threatened by my friendship with Don, and he states the same.  I want him to be deeply happy, to have that chance, that I could not complete for him.  His happiness is still, to a great degree, my happiness, and I don't see this ever changing.  We aim to prove it, as my brother has done, so cleanly, so honestly.  Don and I are proud of our intentions, proud of our dogged refusal to regress to blame or bitterness, in this time of great shifts and difficulty, and proud of our growing success on the trail towards our hearts' focus of keeping Love.  We refuse to let that go for anything less. 

It is my deepest conviction is that we have just succeeded in saving our genuine love, by shaving away what hasn't worked for either of us, shaking off what  threatened to hide all the truth that was more important.  We choose Love, even if that means giving up marriage.  I now completely 'get' "letting go in order to keep" something.

For me, as well as for Don, this has been the test of a life, a measure of what we are truly made of. 

We pass, at the top of the class.  Our prize is our improved relationship: more authentic, happier by far, and looking forward to the times we will continue to share, together, laughing, growing, exploring this stunning world.

knocking on my own door

In my marriage, I've felt for years this gnawing emptiness.  For many years, I played the blame game, feeling my husband was not showing up enough in my life, either physically or emotionally.  This was hard for him to hear, of course, and though there was some truth to my complaint, I began to see the light of my own absence in my life, like a spotlight on stage and no one in it........

I'm shifting the focus of my life and times now.  I'm going it alone, or will soon be--have already set out on the path, in my Heart.  Me and the fellow I've been married to will remain close friends, on whatever stage we find ourselves on.  Hopefully we can find some new script that retains the old characters, but shows them being more authentic.  We can now pare away the old counter-productive crust of frustration, sadness, blame, anger, and the lonesomeness that we've both experienced in our best efforts to act out what the other wanted or deserved.  It's been difficult with all that crust to speak our own lines with clarity and confidence, or even to see what they are.  When lines were spoken, they fell on ears that did not process one another's language.  Like a situation where my bank only processes quarters, his only processes dollar bills.  We can both offer what we have in spades to the other, till the cows come home, but it's not what the other can use, and we each get completely bankrupt.

I want very much for him to be happy, but that's up to him now.  I want a chance to create my own happiness, unencumberd by the effort to create his, and for now, I'm taking the initiative to show up in my own life for awhile, knock on my door and see who's there, be my own best partner, best listener.  A little disorienting at nearly 60, but why wait even longer.   The stage under my feet that was starting to feel like nothing more than clouds of wishes is beginning to materialize with lights, action, and daring-do!  


Deep breath.....so many doors, so many colors, no costume any longer, just be me.......

Sickness As Grace

There's a bug going 'round here, that whollops you over the head, kicks you when you're lying there with stars spinning, wondering what just happened, and every time you think you can stand up, it knocks you flatter than before, more bruises, and every time it flattens you, stomps all over you and spits you out, foul and dazed.  There's very little breath left; no pride; your color is translucent gray, and the stuff you thought you knew about life is in pieces, like a scattered puzzle, with some of what you need now missing.  And weeks later, you're still sick.

Me?  I did everything right.  I got big-guns tea from the Naturopath, OTC's and Rx's from my MD; I took just enough Golden Seal and Zinc, starved it when I fevered, rested till the chores piled high, drank water till I thought I'd pop.  It's the beginning of the fourth week of illness for me.  I think I'm on the upswing, but I've said that at least 5 times before, I've lost count of Hope.  Tomorrow I could find myself just flying by the guy who holds the 'Stop Ride' switch, wishing he'd at least NOTICE that I am a desperate rider, flailing, scared gray, and who threw up a few rounds back.  You know the look.

Well, it came to me that there must be more to this illness than just the virus.  There's some other component, something that needed to be figured out--those missing pieces--that have to do with my inner life and how I face it, and ways I need to grow, STAT.  I felt this way because everytime I started to feel better, I'd gingerly step out of my bedroom and try to do something I'd been wanting to do for some time (weeks is a long time to be sick), and the illness would not allow it, would trounce me again, laughing in my face. 

The last straw was yesterday, when a professional, internationally known teacher I had asked to come to Portland a year ago had finally decided to come, and was going to teach classes on a subject I really wanted to learn FROM HER.  When I found out she was coming, I was so thrilled!  Finally!  I get to study under this woman!  What a golden, shining chance has arisen!  It also looked like I might even get to take her up to the sacred mountain, Mt St Helens, 'Apu Loo Wit', Sacred Grandmother.  I'd never met this woman before, just heard great things, and this opportunity was unrivaled in my excitement: to be able to openly converse with her for hours on end.....AND show off this region's Great Spirit...!

I got sicker than ever.  High fever, cough that wouldn't let me breathe.  That Golden Shining Chance disappeared as fast as it had presented itself.  Drat, and I'm starting to get just plain pissed off.  Weeks of sickness, energy supply gone aways back, and this woman was not going to be here forever, this authority I had invited, and waited nearly a year to see. 

I couldn't go to the classes I had signed up for....so took one more chance and decided to sign up for her last class, on the very last day she was to be here.  I drank my cough medicine, though the fever was gone (again) I took two aspirin, a few cough drops, my note pad, and drove off into the sunshiney land of High Hopes the day of the class.  "Angels", I said, "Please!  PLEASE!!!  Let me do this ONE thing."

A coughing fit crashed in 20 minutes into the class, and I had to leave.  The freeway was stop and go for the next 2 hours.  I am so pissed off I am crying, spitting, kicking, swearing.   I get home and I start THROWING the groceries into the fridge.  Literally.  Yelling, furious, like a half-grown mountain lion that's had it's dinner taken away for the last time MAD. 

...........................................Now I'm also deeply embarrased.  I go down to the river, my meadow in the trees, my bit of the creek where the fish know me, where the trees and aromas hold me, and the breeze on my face is caressing, familiar.  I sit for some time with these forgiving friends, seething still, until I can breathe.  Praying to whatever!! hears.  I WANT THOSE MISSING PIECES, AND I WANT THEM NOW.

NOW. " I'm done 'trying' to get well, you jerk Universe.  I've got it thrashed out that I need just a couple vital bits, now GIVE THEM TO ME."

I go up to my room.  Two words come to me, so strongly do I hear them that they have color, have tenderness that's palpable.  I've known them both for so long, thought I deeply understood them, believed them, leaned on them for years like old familiar walking sticks.

Not so much.  That was book-learining.  Now they hit my heart.

Acceptance.  and Hope. ...................... Huh.   .......................................................................
The moment I hear these land in my soul, I feel them plant themselves there--it's a physical sensation.  I know I am getting better.  And I have more than Hope.  I have Faith, which is Hope, grounded.  Faith that whatever the Great Creationist doles out, it's OK, no matter what shit comes down.  No Matter What Shit Comes Down.  I know I ain't seen nothin' yet.

Easy for the Monk to be all holy and kind while he's up on the mountain--bring him down into the thick of things and we'll see what he's really made of.

I intend to be the best, the person I Most Want To Be.  Now, and again Tomorrow.

Glad I got sick, wish I'd looked for those pieces sooner.  But then, I wouldn't have noticed them--I'd thought I already knew them.  They'd have blended into the familiarity of the path.

Now I think I really Get it.  Tomorrow when I awaken, I really will be well.  ALL well, ready for service again, to myself, and to others.  The Puzzle is complete.  Thank you for hearing me, whoever.

Thank you for this dreadful Grace.