In my marriage, I've felt for years this gnawing emptiness. For many years, I played the blame game, feeling my husband was not showing up enough in my life, either physically or emotionally. This was hard for him to hear, of course, and though there was some truth to my complaint, I began to see the light of my own absence in my life, like a spotlight on stage and no one in it........
I'm shifting the focus of my life and times now. I'm going it alone, or will soon be--have already set out on the path, in my Heart. Me and the fellow I've been married to will remain close friends, on whatever stage we find ourselves on. Hopefully we can find some new script that retains the old characters, but shows them being more authentic. We can now pare away the old counter-productive crust of frustration, sadness, blame, anger, and the lonesomeness that we've both experienced in our best efforts to act out what the other wanted or deserved. It's been difficult with all that crust to speak our own lines with clarity and confidence, or even to see what they are. When lines were spoken, they fell on ears that did not process one another's language. Like a situation where my bank only processes quarters, his only processes dollar bills. We can both offer what we have in spades to the other, till the cows come home, but it's not what the other can use, and we each get completely bankrupt.
I want very much for him to be happy, but that's up to him now. I want a chance to create my own happiness, unencumberd by the effort to create his, and for now, I'm taking the initiative to show up in my own life for awhile, knock on my door and see who's there, be my own best partner, best listener. A little disorienting at nearly 60, but why wait even longer. The stage under my feet that was starting to feel like nothing more than clouds of wishes is beginning to materialize with lights, action, and daring-do!
Deep breath.....so many doors, so many colors, no costume any longer, just be me.......
I'm shifting the focus of my life and times now. I'm going it alone, or will soon be--have already set out on the path, in my Heart. Me and the fellow I've been married to will remain close friends, on whatever stage we find ourselves on. Hopefully we can find some new script that retains the old characters, but shows them being more authentic. We can now pare away the old counter-productive crust of frustration, sadness, blame, anger, and the lonesomeness that we've both experienced in our best efforts to act out what the other wanted or deserved. It's been difficult with all that crust to speak our own lines with clarity and confidence, or even to see what they are. When lines were spoken, they fell on ears that did not process one another's language. Like a situation where my bank only processes quarters, his only processes dollar bills. We can both offer what we have in spades to the other, till the cows come home, but it's not what the other can use, and we each get completely bankrupt.
I want very much for him to be happy, but that's up to him now. I want a chance to create my own happiness, unencumberd by the effort to create his, and for now, I'm taking the initiative to show up in my own life for awhile, knock on my door and see who's there, be my own best partner, best listener. A little disorienting at nearly 60, but why wait even longer. The stage under my feet that was starting to feel like nothing more than clouds of wishes is beginning to materialize with lights, action, and daring-do!
Deep breath.....so many doors, so many colors, no costume any longer, just be me.......
brave woman. bright blessings to both of you!
ReplyDeleteYou will feel lonely sometimes, but fulfilled the other. It's really not who is with you but if you are with yourself. (Wow, it sounds wise :-)) You are blessed with a lot of things, and this time, one more - a chance to start clean.
ReplyDeleteI think the American idea of marriage puts an impossible burden on partners. It seems to me that a lot of cultures have one bring the food and the other cook it. All the fulfillment (except sexually) is with one's mates of the same sex. At my age I think I would prefer to have a partner of some sort, but everybody is different. It is crushing to share a house with someone with whom you haven't come to an acceptable balance, though. Been there, done that - even room mates can drive one bonkers. I just found that deep inside of me there isn't a whole lot of self-something, and I could sure use someone to talk to.
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