Thursday, December 27, 2012

I was going to carry it
Did, and well, and do, while gone
The anger truly dissipated in understanding, knowledge
Only caring remains in the hobo’s hoist
Except this yearning for your extraordinary company
And even that I carry well, usually
When I do not do it well
That looks like Geese, overhead, trying to find their V
Honking in the greater cacophonous sky
But still moving forward to their promised landing
Knowledge.  Care.  Following Trust
And we’re there.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Black and White

You are like the Devil
How many names does that one have
Calculating     Charismatic     Cruel
Made up of only what he desires

I’ve been crazed in love with you devil man
But I’ll not be in league with you again, I see
Coyote gone mad
Chasing your own tail
Tragic, beautiful life

Coyote was a pup once, I saw him then
Silky wiggly sweet, constant kisses from that little wild tongue
Ah the dear prankster, clever beyond a pup’s years,
The element of surprise his cunning
Eyes that held a more mature mystery, hard to look in them, yellow, and way out there
But when this pup would kiss my face then scamper away
Who cared, or took heed from those eyes
So dear was he.

I cried harder than I’ve ever cried the week after I met you again, years later
Full grown, and completely stunning, brilliant genius
Realizing I was going to die with this love, with somebody like you in your black and whites
I sobbed uncontrollably, unable to walk away then
Wrote more than I’ve ever written, the good stuff
Yes, I was a lost soul there for a bit; the crazed artist, alongside you
Interesting to note though
I haven’t cried much since you embraced me firmly for the tossing
I didn’t know how far you’d hurled me till I was bashed
You bought me the ring of our hopes, full circle
Whispered your deepest prayer in my ear, that dark, amazing night

And the very next day you put on lovely music, special, just for me
And as you walked out the door, waving jauntily
“Send me your love” you said
“Do not write, do not call, you laughed
I could not breathe

Now I know where all your art went.
All your enchanted women…
But I have your wild Indian, on his journey
And I’m keeping it close with my prayer
I do send my love, my eyes are dry, but old now.
The other words I have for you are temporary, so unspoken
For it’s true—I do love you more than what I want from you

That meant “nothing” to your calloused broken heart
What happened to you growing up, when did the suffering begin?
Marry the next sweet pup, Old Coyote
But just cut her throat when you’re finished with her
Be kind.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Dance

The spin has begun, the churn
Always to the left, undoing, receiving
The lilt of a hand, tenderness, the touch of a toe
Thanks for connection
Staying current in the Continuum, focus, no focus
Intertwining circles of life, over and over
Falsehoods fly away in formation
The spray waters other worlds

Then stop.  Hands cut the sacred air with sudden, deliberate motion: Four Directions, Six, One
The center point of Center, balance is perfect.
Eyes, still muscling the spin, haywire.  What
Keeps us towing the line?  Certainty
The Heart knows.  The feet
Finding ground, planted.
The body between
Giggles.

Friday, November 23, 2012

The Last Play

Forgive my attraction to Your man
How can I find resistance—there is no footfall for reverse
I am not the one who directs the strings
For is it not Your Dream?   Your Name
Remains on my lips as I shudder my acquiescence
My eyelids slowly rise with the curtain
My heart thuds, right here, right here
Affirming my powerlessness as Your character
A bit part I was told, but really, are there any in You?
You are the Writer, and the Audience
The welcoming applause, answering my fervent sweat for comfort
The Yes of affirmation:  “Fear not, for I am with you!”,  You mouth the silent words
I’ll speak the lines then that I am given, have memorized, no prompting needed
And know it’s up to me to find the resonance that conjures faith
Then stride with confidence, deliberation,  from stage right to stage left,  my costume perfect
Pausing aglow at the front to join the male in this story, my love
I cannot change the lines, the choreography
I’m no longer fitful with false pretense of authorship
But I did pass the audition
So feats, carry me well, keep my head high, bright in the Light
I am Your earnest actress, and only then, the partner for Your actor, leading
The curtain fall will find us: Yours, bowing before You
The unison of that motion, the timing
Yet to be seen.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Hell or Not So Much or The Only Debate, Ever,  my Husband Will Not Win or No Fear

Burn forever?  Excuse  me?  God wants this for me if I just
Fall?  Far less evolved parents cheer the child who falls and then gets back up
It’s the getting up, of course.  So important.  But there’s a hug for the fall!
This Parent provided so many ways to fall, He totally gets it, wants us to practice, constantly
Getting up, in all the ways.   Yay!!
He is the best of Love, to send us off to His school every day, and watch.
He installed a glowing little freebie called Conscience, and another,
 (this one shines, and marches!) called Free Will.  He wants us to think, deduce!
Grow, not shrink away, discouraged
To learn by choice, not by fear.  This is the sweetest, strongest learning,
When His child chooses correctly, of his own given clarity. 
Father!  I love Your Voice’s ring!  Love that You’ll
Call in anytime here, night or day—that phone is the sweetest color, no one else has the number.
 My gut
Feels at ease, instantly, when that phone vibrates.  No fear.
Just getting back up.  The hug.
Feel the Compassion.  Hmmmmmmm…….

Married at a Distance
You asked, after all.
So now being brave
Is about moving in Spirit connection
while living far apart.  I can do this.
I’ll will it.  Keeping my heart bright
In the absence of your light however
Is the Will of God.
How many devoted wives have done this?
Lived in this remote wilderness of spiritual unclaimed territory
A lot I bought, on earth, here,
Rife with the wild pungent forest, unnamable creatures lurking
The timeless sway of grasses, like honeyed thoughts of you
Here, the days filled with the sound of a chuckling stream,
The glint of sun-spangle on the ripples:  these also, memories.
At night, the moon, just a sliver of distant joy alight, the stars too
So far aloft
But winking at me like the eyes of angels,
Grinning in the clean dark cold.
I have blankets for sleep on this silent, humming acreage
The wooly colors vibrant, soothing in their itch: I can tell by their scratch
I am still alive with this love.
My lone lungs feel your breath fill them, right now, and in my subsequent exhale
Is the knowledge of your acceptance, right here at our lips
You, taking in my air, the lively peace of Trust, your way of love.
The Balance

this day
started out with a dawn like
any other only
the sun rose more slowly, reticent,
hesitant colors, not sure if this was the right world or not

i fell out of bed
when these colors peeked in my looking glass
but i welcomed them into this world
right or wrong
and stood upright

grumbling, but glad for the food of colors
i found my way through this morning almost
remembering how to get past each rock and canyon
and that ominous dark doorway
where the colors seem to slip from this world

and in whose arch and depth i spin and howl
every time, eyes white with fear
and in whose whirlpool I drown
juggling my terror and hope like
grenades and kittens
The Hooligans

I was one of the family, still am
Everyone called us the Hooligans
Maybe it was our real surname, guess it works
There were a lot of us, and poor as dust

That one was the summer of ’58, we lived
Perched up by the side of the big mountain
The sun shone on that mountain nearly every day
Making it stand out real pretty

All us kids and gung-ho Dad, we kept building our shack
Every so often we’d go out and salvage,
Pirate away any loose boards, bricks
New or used, we just carted it off

I can still see all the little feet like a caterpillar’s
Walking under the long planks, stacked with bricks
Little feet all carrying our new room, new roof, like new Hope
Little by little, we were gonna get there

That last so-hot day we did that, all the little feet stopped
There was a rumble away across the dry yellow canyon
We could see the town tucked up on the distant side there
And then came the chunks of mountain, twinkling oddly in the golden sun as they fell

At first we kids thought it was so pretty, but what?!?
Then the whole side of that mountain caved as we watched
We knew the spot where Mama stood cooking, our little Hooligan house
The whole town was buried in that slow sun-glinting movie minute

Then a lone pick-em-up, musta been, driving straight through that last wrecked road
Dust boiling up behind is what we saw, it was a miracle, running fast
A lone life, saving itself, getting the Hell outa Dodge
We watched, and one of us middlin’ kids started cheering

That was the day.  Now I am old, and here to tell the story
Today I live in a legal-built house, it’s real nice
Some of those little feet from so long ago still come to visit
Our happy-go-lucky lives have prospered

As I look back I wonder what it all stood for, what it meant
Why it happened that way, so sudden, almost business-like, then so very gone…
Well, I aim to live well, honor Mama, not ponder too much that deadly twist.
I lived, the sun still glints off my roof, these trees, my visions….
Once In Marriage Given

This is it.  I’m yours for what’s still left of life, for better or worse. 
It’s all good, with you.  It’s all His Beauty.
I’ve made the choice to legally marry before
Who needs the law at such a time.  Now that aspect seems superfluous. 
This is about commitment, and the law has naught to do with that heart of hearts.
In the past lie my erroneous efforts at what I thought
Sort of looked like Love; I hoped, I watched.  And too soon saw my mistake.
My failures, my ignorance, each and all.  I did my level best to do each well though
Even after I knew it was all wrong, for years…
God knows this truth. 
For you, my life’s beloved, worlds away from my misguided hopes with others
I will dance or suffer anything.  Let me learn all birth: share any pain and also the baby,
You with me, and I with you.  God with us,  together.
 The celestial music lies between us, and the keen blade
Can never cut deep enough to sever my adoration. 
You can be whoever you most need to be, please, and always. 
I’ll be waiting, for weeks if needed,  at the dinner table with a meal, open ears, and sparkling eyes
All yours.  We’ll say Grace.
The Nun Speaks

Never will I have sex again
That time with you,  that was the last
I never want to pollute that memory, those star-spangled moments
I’ve never felt so close to God,
While embodied, forgive me.
It wasn’t God, I know, I know,
There will not be another to make me forget, or distract me
From being His, seeking his Light
I’m so happily your nun, married to you both,
God first, you second.  I am nearly complete, without further wish.
It was in that ancient city of Cuzco that I first became
Tangled, in the confusion and darkness of The Path
Cuzco, the center, the navel of the Universe they say
From which all paths lead, into and out of
Consciousness, unconsciousness and every arena Between

Roaming the clean-swept, impoverished streets, dogs of every color and shape
Detached, or hopeful, or given up to find sleep
Their innocence and hunger gets my hackles up
But I walk on, going to market
Hoping for a bell-ringing clue; some color; an easy giggle even

When I left that city, I begged to be allowed to boil it all down
Something to spark my recognition of Hope, a gleam retained
Boarding that air-glide alone, too alone
My faith just a tingle at my fingertips, I flew the northern path, Ancestors,
To this new Cuzco, La Center, where I know not one soul heart-to-heart.

The boil-down came to me when I first felt the ground again
Love and Trust.  That’s It.  The magic words for the earth-bound Human
No more is needed.  Still, it often sounds hollow, like a bell toned long ago
But I’ll carry that true memory, that one-note song
And my feet from here on out will dance the radiating Light of All that Is
The Sun


The sun sets itself slow on the smoldering edge of this world
This night will get darker and darker, sight will be lost
Our hearts will be all we have left to find the Path
On this night at the end of the final cost

There is a New Dawn yet to come, and soon;
Many accounts have been given, all the same story
The tragedy, the great blanket of sadness covering us all..
But the Sun will rise again, and Glory

Intent is the only tool now, Oh and prayer
Love, our birthing, the only power worth giving
The royal memory was given away as part of the pact
We begged to be here, this night, to await the rising

When, at sunrise, we remember who we are 
All the pain in the world will be gladly suffered to see
This sunrise, this Light, this turn of the Cosmos
The many planets’ divine Harmony.

The sight and the sound will ring out as One
We’ll hold our brothers and sisters so close
Never again to forget we are Family
Always to value our  Holiness.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Large Birds

The white swans babble overhead, my childish prayer
The geese fly also, honking out direction to one another
What do they say when they fly alone?
“Yes”, that’s the answer.
Peace for the Heart, be it a lone goose, child, or swan.
“Yes”, cries the One.
You call me ‘Warrior Woman’ and then tell me I cannot use the word ‘battle’
Blasted romantic
Kiss my eyes, then take that leave you so desperately want
Shall we call our pain beautiful, like birth
Sure, if it makes you feel better about my BATTLE cries
The Big Bugaboo, Sex, your adversary?  You say you adore me, you make love like a God
Then you pull away, and leave me hung out to dry before I knew you were even gone
You say I cannot live closer to your town, then you say let’s make a baby
I say I’m afraid to fall, you say you think we are both falling
You say I’m the purest, that I am only Love, so I lean in to kiss your higher heart
And your body disappears
You say you will meet me out over the ocean
then you will not say anything
You take my breath away then you suggest I breathe
You wonder why and how I could be so upset
That’s what mirrors are for you know, look closer, I’m there too, right behind you, shining
Open your eyes you are being selfish and calling it God
True

I love that he values a single zip-lock baggie.
I love that when he asks me to dance, he says
“Now.  Look at me as if you have the deepest respect and love for me.”
As if?
Then he says “Have good posture!”  Check.
He’s the only man on the planet who can tell me
What to do, not do, and I respect it regardless of content, though
Discussion is always available, no matter the topic.
He wins every debate, except the one about Hell.  It simply isn’t.  We are given a Conscience
For that sway.  Works for me. 
I love that I won’t get lost in this relationship, ever. 
That we only see the good as Good and the bad as Good.  Growth happens that way.
I love that he keeps God closer than anyone I ever met, in every minute.  Remembering.
Back to the baggie: I love that it doesn’t matter what I put in it
He’ll love it.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Love Change

Now evening, the breezes waft in, carrying the smells of a quiet evening, freshly mown grass, and the trees' silent but energetic, joining approval.  Cows bellow in the cool.  These beauties came to me today for the first time, when I shut off the mower for a moment.  They trundled up, Bossy first, then a couple of yearling bulls, and three fresh little clean little shiny little adorable calves.  In my conversation with them all--their brown eyes were so attentive--we talked over the tastiness of the long grasses I doled out to each......Bossy wanted it all so I had to spread it around some.  I finish mowing my hard-won lawn........it's all up to me now. 

Love that.  I can stop anytime and dance till I'm breathless.  Music feeds me, especially when combined with movement.  Sometimes I cry, it's all deeply, powerfully beautiful.  Who needs food when there is music and dance??

A little wine, resting in the air of the setting sun.  A friend to joke and share the deeper stuff with.......Bless you, World.  Bless us all, every one.  The peace in my heart exceeds anything I have ever felt. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Animal Assists

The other day I decided to do a led-meditation, which when it works is really a deep hypnosis, regarding power animals.  Generally speaking, I don't get much from this sort of meditation, so I was pretty surprised at the results this time.

In the meditation, I found myself wanting to stay in the meadow, under the warm sun as described by the leader...but it wasn't to be.  Suddenly I was sitting next to a small river, on a grassy bank in the mottled sun and shade.  Much to my honest surprise, out of the water slipped a little river otter!  He came up to me, sniffed my face, and I could feel his whiskers and sniffling breath as he did so.  Good Lord!   This was so real!  Before he slithered back into the river, he gave me a river stone, as a symbolic gift.  When I held this to my heart, I felt an instantaneous sense of belonging to the Whole Flow, and a grounding based in Love.  Later the next day, I found out from a friend that an otter will often keep a stone under his arm while swimming around, and using it as a tool to crack open the shells of whatever he finds for food.    I think this tool will be very handy, if I keep my eyes open for the things that feed me...

Then yesterday I decided to ask a friend if she wanted to do the meditation and see what cropped up.  When it was over, I was again surprised by the result.  I was inclined to sit under a large tree in the deep forest....and a wolf walked up to me, sat down, then stood again, looking right at me.  When I asked my question, which had to do with a new fork in my earth-world path, the wolf acted like he wanted me to follow him, so follow I did.  He took me to his den, where there were several squirming wolf-pups, and his mate, lying there panting.  The message here was clear: One of my choices was to take on the responsibility of settling down and taking on new responsibility.  I felt myself cringe inside....but Wolf wasn't done.  He trotted on, and I followed him to the high edge of a canyon ridge-top, and we gazed down into a very deep canyon that was brimming with mystery, mists floating among the many possibilities that a large canyon can contain--all the color, wildness, life itself--free--and promising the experiences of a lifetime.  Freedom to explore new lands, new arenas in my life!

We returned to the tall tree in the deep forest.  Wolf also had a gift: a small green sprig of Pine tree, fresh and fragrant.  When I held it to my heart to feel the message, I got a strong sensation: NEW LIFE!!   

Then Wolf took off, glancing back at me repeatedly, teasing, wanting to play.......

Monday, February 6, 2012

message for Marge

Marge, I can't get in to your blog, for ages now, I am blocked, but know this is not personal, and I DO follow it, but this doesn't seem to be the link I need to get in  Can this change?  My email is szorrolt@hotmail.com .  Write when you can.
Sarah

Friday, January 27, 2012

It's Out There, Coming In

Now I'm looking.  Love is out there, and I am going to imagine it into my life.  Thought creates matter, not the other way around. 

I'm feeling what it would be like to be in the company of a man who enjoys being with me, often.  Someone who likes to talk, and listen, hear.  Someone who gives an opinion on things, whether or not it's what I want to hear.  ESPECIALLY if it's not what I want to hear.  This is how I try new ideas on, and grow.  This man will love hiking, driving, camping, seeing the country......and of course, kayaking.  Travel outside the country would be good, but this is expensive, and my love does not need to have alot of money.

He does need to have a compassionate heart, excellent sense of humor and wit, and a willingness to try on criticism, wherever it comes from.  Also confident, with enough self knowledge to know when it doesn't fit....and when it does. 

My eyes are open, and I am in no big hurry.  I like my independence, and plan to keep it. 

I can sure feel his presence.....