This morning I wrote a piece about Courage, but deleted it because when I thought about it, it felt like I was making a mountain out of what probably sounded like a mole hill. Not to me: babysitting my grandson has recently afforded me some difficult lessons, and it's been a long time since I was tested so profoundly.
I got to thinking, and decided to write this instead. Difficulties come in all shapes and sizes, and what may seem easy to one person is an act of great difficulty to another. This has been the case with this 'opportunity'. I was beating myself up about not being more like my best girlfriend, who is the quintessential grandmother: always peachy sweet, always available, forever patient. Something to aspire to, eh? For sure.
Me? I'm passionate, demonstrative, inventive, funny, and 'mostly nice'. But not as evolved as I like to imagine I am--I've been surprised to discover I still have my limits, despite years of daily 'spiritual' work. The other day when Gavin screamed his head off for all 10 hours (he had to poop and couldn't, we later figured out), I was not who I most strive to be, for that last interminable hour.
I raised my voice at him. I shredded myself afterwards, and still cringe deeply to think I could do this. He's adorable, and he has the toughest job: being away from his Mom for five days a week, 10 oddly estranged hours each of those days. I'm partly furious about a system/economy/circumstance that makes it almost impossible for a young, smart, hard-working mother (my beloved Kate) to be with her own baby. This is so basic--what kind of civilization IS this anyway?!? But I've found myself aching about it, yearning to understand and be the one who fills in the problem area with a loving service, to find the source for Patience, and a way to tap into it. And I've had some serious, tearful words with the Angels.
They answered.
"COURAGE", they said, very clearly. And just the sound of the word strengthened me, and allowed my heart to instantly tap into that stream of energy that raises my heart up, and flows through my every action and word.
This is no small shakes at all. I am profoundly moved, and strengthened.....and grateful for prayer, for being heard, for being a child of God, learning to listen.
I got to thinking, and decided to write this instead. Difficulties come in all shapes and sizes, and what may seem easy to one person is an act of great difficulty to another. This has been the case with this 'opportunity'. I was beating myself up about not being more like my best girlfriend, who is the quintessential grandmother: always peachy sweet, always available, forever patient. Something to aspire to, eh? For sure.
Me? I'm passionate, demonstrative, inventive, funny, and 'mostly nice'. But not as evolved as I like to imagine I am--I've been surprised to discover I still have my limits, despite years of daily 'spiritual' work. The other day when Gavin screamed his head off for all 10 hours (he had to poop and couldn't, we later figured out), I was not who I most strive to be, for that last interminable hour.
I raised my voice at him. I shredded myself afterwards, and still cringe deeply to think I could do this. He's adorable, and he has the toughest job: being away from his Mom for five days a week, 10 oddly estranged hours each of those days. I'm partly furious about a system/economy/circumstance that makes it almost impossible for a young, smart, hard-working mother (my beloved Kate) to be with her own baby. This is so basic--what kind of civilization IS this anyway?!? But I've found myself aching about it, yearning to understand and be the one who fills in the problem area with a loving service, to find the source for Patience, and a way to tap into it. And I've had some serious, tearful words with the Angels.
They answered.
"COURAGE", they said, very clearly. And just the sound of the word strengthened me, and allowed my heart to instantly tap into that stream of energy that raises my heart up, and flows through my every action and word.
This is no small shakes at all. I am profoundly moved, and strengthened.....and grateful for prayer, for being heard, for being a child of God, learning to listen.
I love this essay, Sarah, but I love you even more for your honesty, wisdom, and self-awareness.
ReplyDeleteIt's been awhile since you've updated and I've wondered if you were okay. Sounds like you're doing your best, and that's the most any compassionate person would ask of another.
Me? I understand some of your struggle, because I experience much the same things every day; the hardest thing is to not beat myself up when I fall short of the mark...happens a lot some days.
I think my greatest struggle is for PATIENCE. Yep, patience...I pray for it every day: "Please, God, give me patience--but I want it NOW."
I'm still waiting.
I hear and share your concerns about our rapidly disintegrating society and the diminishing of our quality of life; I try to envision a better world, but I think we face a lot more testing before that will come true.
Please, I ask the kindly Universe, please let us not wait much longer...
Yep--still waiting...
Thinking of you and wishing you well as always, my friend.
You are a good person my friend..love you
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